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In
Search of the Spirit
A
monthly letter from the Glenmary Vocation Office
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October 2005
Proud to Be Celibate!
By Father Steve Pawelk
One of my nephews asked, “How can you do it?” The it was “be celibate.”
My nephew’s skepticism about celibacy was reflected in a recent conversation I had with some high school students who love the Church and are very involved. When I asked them why they think there are so few vocations in the United States compared to some other parts of the world, the first response was, “Marriage and the desire for family is more normal.”
Now here is the funny thing: If these young people are faithful to the teaching of the Church and to the gospel (and I have no reason to doubt that they are), then they are all living celibate lives at the moment. True, some day many of them may choose marriage; but many will remain single for some time.
All single Catholics have the moral obligation to live a chaste and celibate life until marriage. In 1995 the average age of first marriage was 25 for women and 27 for men. It may be even higher now. So celibacy is not such a strange thing.
But how do you choose it—forever?
Most young people dream of the day of marriage—and this includes the anticipation of sexual intimacy. So they are not imagining celibacy as a life choice. To be honest, many young people struggle with controlling their human urges and biological responses. A young man of 18 might be thinking, “I can live without sexual intercourse for now, but I am not sure how long I can control these urges.”
Thus, underneath questions about celibacy is another unspoken question: Is it humanly possible to live without full physical sexual expression and be normal? The answer is, “YES!”
Not only do I consider myself normal, but also I consider my fellow priests and religious brothers as normal. I consider the many men around the world who have remained virgins or who have abstained from sex for some period of years to be normal.
For the record, I am celibate and proud of it! Yet this doesn’t exactly answer my nephew’s question, “How can you do it?”—live happily without sex.
There are many answers—some theological, some biblical, some spiritual and some biological. Rather than cover all of these, let me simply state three very practical ways in which one can be celibate and happy.
First: Respect the power of sexuality as one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity. “Male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). It is essential for everyone to reverence this gift and to keep from cheapening it though misuse of our body or the power that it generates. As a celibate, one expresses sexuality in non-genital ways. But every man, every person needs to love and be loved. God calls some to experience this love through the gift of celibacy. (See Matthew 19:10-12).
Second: Become rooted in prayer. In prayer, one continues to remain connected to God and to others. One continues to seek God and know God. In hours of loneliness or self-pity, one realizes that no one human being can fill this emptiness. It can be filled only with the love of God. (See St. Augustine.) This is true for me and for every human person on earth. Thus, being celibate is a reminder to us all where our ultimate relationship is. Prayer sustains us in our faithful relationship to God and to others.
Third: Have healthy relationships and meaningful ministry. The two are tied together. Every one on this planet needs good friendships, both men and women, who can accept us as we are, whose company we can enjoy and in whom we can trust. We need friends who respect the promises we have made and whose promises we respect. After all, friendship is another wonderful gift of God.
Also, if the ministry (the work) one is doing is fulfilling and life-giving, selfish needs and desires will be less. The greater balance one has between friendships, prayer and work, the more likely it is that one will be a healthy and happy celibate.
The “how” to my nephew’s question, then, is in the day-to-day living out of the gift that God has given me. The “how” is in knowing that I am able to love and be loved without being in an exclusive, sexual relationship. The “how” is through the power of God’s grace and the Holy Spirit who has called me to this life and keeps me connected to him and others.
Thus, as one searches for the Spirit in the call to priesthood and brotherhood, celibacy must be embraced as an essential part of this choice. Doing that means joining me, and the hundreds of thousands of others around the world—priests, brothers and sisters—who are celibate and proud of it.
